Who's stepping on who's toes?

Mother in-law or Daughter in-law?

This relationship ranks amongst the most difficult relationships to maintain. In most cases this relationship gets sour as the two parties get to know each other but recently; these two just don’t get along from the word go. The stories I hear from married women about their relationships with their Mother-in-laws are alarming. 95% of married women I meet tell negative stories about their mother in-laws.

I believe that there is a root for each problem and to treat a symptom you need to know the cause – who is stepping on whose toes?

All relationships have individual dynamics; they break and are recovered, they get lost & are reformed. However, this particular one seems not to shape in a similar manner. One woman said to me that her mother in-law hates her to a point that when one enters the room the other leaves! What’s daunting though is the fact that these two women share one thing in common – love for the same man!

This one common factor that these two women share could be the same aspect that can bring about change to this issue. In mathematics, my favorite problem to solve was when certain answers were given (which clearly tells you that I was not that great)i.e. (if z=x-y where x=10 and y=4 what is z + y?). I look at the mother/daughter in-law situation the same way. In order for these two to get along, they need to know and understand their positions/roles first (z) before they can be able to know what to do when & how. When this is done, no one should try and play the other one’s role – it’s not yours!

To the Daughter in-law:

**She is his Mother, you will never be!
**No matter how much you respect your man, if you don’t respect his Mother you will lose out.
**You are not her biological daughter-it’s a fact, don’t look for a biological mother in her-she is your mother in-law! This doesn’t mean she loves you any less.
**Let her ask money from his son, not from you! Would you like it when your Mom is unable to ask money from you – be realistic & selfless?
**Hating your mother in-law is putting the man that you love in a complicated position which will complicate your marriage.

To the Mother in-law:

•She is his Wife, you will never be!
•Hating your son’s choice is a direct reflection on your failure to infuse the proper abilities for him to choose your ideal wife.
•She is trying to build her own family, not to revamp the one you had – know your place.
•Ask for money when you in need. The fact that you raised him doesn’t mean he owes you his life back, you are his mother, you HAD to – he did not ask to be born.
•Stay away until you are asked to help & when your help is requested, try and help the marriage not your son.

Ladies, are we playing our roles in this saga, or are we busy rapped around the other party’s roles? Do we want this relationship to work or is it a recurring virus – “it never worked for our parents; it cannot work for us” kind of situation?




Tamara Booi