Marriage – The Transition Period

"Is our culture and societal expectations more important than the psychological well being of the individuals in marriage?"

Over the weekend I was at yet another wedding. Young couples seem to be taking the big step on their relationships more often than before. It is a good thing to see that the men of today are stepping up to the plate and making good women out of their partners. At the same rate we are seeing couples marry, we are experiencing an increase in documented divorces to date. A large portion of these divorces occur within the first five-eight years of marriages. People argue their opinions on the possible reasons behind this, and the common findings often stated are clearly valid to constitute for a divorce. In my opinion, marriages today end before they actually begin.

At every wedding I attend, I find an opportunity to converse with fellow married ladies. With my experience and the experience of those I speak to, I have come to understand that the psychological shift within the transition period (1-5 even up to 8yrs of marriage) could be the main reason towards the high divorce rate during this stage. These psychological shifts then make the couples vulnerable to the reasons that are put as causes for divorce. As you are in the dating period, there will come a time in your relationship when your mind (backed-up with societal values) tells you that your relationship needs to take a step further. You and your partner will decide to marry. You both get excited and look forward to the wedding day. No one really thinks of the many days beyond this big day (especially the ladies). Understandably so, who wants to bother herself about the mystery? There’s a saying that one of my friends likes that goes: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery & today is a gift and that is why it’s called the present”. We ladies understands the true meaning of this phrase where a decision to marry is concerned.

When the big day has come and gone, expectations rise from all angles of your being. As a wife you are expected to submit to your husband, certain clothing needs to vacate your closet & time away with friends need to be minimized and monitored accordingly. Wherever you go, you are now a representative of your husband and his family. Now you cannot do things naturally, you need to be consistently aware of what you doing and how you carry yourself as a Mrs. People will all-of-a-sudden take a huge interest in you – what you wear the hairstyles you do places you visit friends you keep & even how you laugh in public! On the other hand your in-laws have their own expectations of you, and surely they are no where near how your first 20+ years were like. As if that is not enough, you will be expected to miss the most important times with the family you knew all your life – like Christmas. Your traditional wedding ceremony will be the last event you experience at your new home. All events you will see on videos, and the only thing you will witness is how the plate of food looked like on the day. In the mist of it all you desire or feel pressured to have children, which alone make a detour to another psychological shift altogether.

As a husband, you are also expected to monitor your time even more than you expect from your partner. Now you can’t just feel like going to party all night long with your boys and spontaneously do just that. You cannot be allowed to be just foolish – which is what you’d like every now and then. You are expected to answer, request, engage or explain yourself every second day which is unnatural for your DNA. As if that is not enough, you are expected to be monogamous. You are not allowed to admire, touch or have/act on any romantic feelings for any other woman besides that which you have chosen. Your sincere desire is to have children of your own, how they come or brought up is not one of your natural interests.

Having researched and discussed the above, my concern is - Why is it that no one ever takes a step back to understand how the other party is affected psychologically by the major shift of marriage? Is our culture more important than the psychological well being of the individuals in our society?

Our country is still struggling with equality after 18 years into our democracy. All because change is not easy, a back-lock of past experiences makes it more resistant. As a wife, can you now expect your husband to be what is expected of him in a space of five years? After he has lived 30+ years of his life as his own person? As a husband, can you really expect your wife to be excited to be spending Christmas at your home every year? When all she knew all her life was to go home to her parents for Christmas, thanks giving or any other annual family gathering? Do we really take time to assist each other through the marriage transition period? Or are we so caught-up in what culture expects of us?

Today I’d like you to take a step back and have a clear understanding of the problems in your marriage. Are they rooted from the expectations of your culture, society or your in-laws? Are you able to give your partner time to grow as a student in this institution called marriage, for as long as he is showing the willingness to improve? Are you able to take a step back from each problem arising, understand that your partner could have been having or doing something else as per his own desires if he were to be his own person? Are you able to understand that nothing your partner can do naturally if it’s outside his make-up? All he does is what comes naturally to him and everything else beyond this he has to learn and practice for him to master. I am directing these questions to you women as this is a women’s blog, they are meant for our men as well.

Before you put your tools down, remember this: If you still within the transition period - respect your culture and recognise the society around you however; concern yourself the most with what your partner could be going through in this period.

Until next time!

Tamara Booi

Forgiveness is a decision not a feeling

Forgiveness is a conscious choice & a physical act to fulfil the will, it is not a feeling or an emotional state of being.

Anger, rage, bitterness & self-protection are the most common initial reactions when we have been wronged. We don’t immediately overflow with mercy, grace or forgiveness. This is rather difficult to control, but is it sensible for one to overstay these feelings?

People who have been holding their perpetrators for so long in their hearts hate to hear the word ‘forgive’. Reasonably so because there are heavy acts of cruelty and injustice we do to one another. Some are just unbearable to just forgive and our instincts make us believe that forgiveness scorns the sin committed against us.

I have learnt to believe that forgiveness is one of the most needed therapies. It is easier said than done and you have to experience it to appreciate its rewards. No matter the crime, reality is - your soul needs peace. A heavy heart is not capable of all its functionalities. It does not love or receive love; it does not trust or receive trust, too heavy to receive any form of blessings.

You are probably asking, how do you forgive someone who killed your parents? How do you forgive someone who is the cause of your disability today? How do you forgive someone who lied about your paternity? How do you forgive someone who abused you physically/emotionally? How do you forgive someone who has cheated on you? How do you forgive someone who just packed and left after 15yrs of your devoted love to him? ..And the list goes on ladies. My answer is - Your soul needs peace. You are in the way of God’s work. His work on you can not be complete if you decide to do His job. Our job is to take a decision to forgive, by faith. God’s job is to judge and punish those who have wronged us. We shall therefore continue to forgive (our job) until the work of forgiveness is completed in our hearts (God’s job). God urges us to forgive for us to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a long slow process, so is everything related with God.

It requires a lot of prayer and belief to decide to forgive the above sins. However, I get very worried when we can’t forgive each other for miner grievances against one another. We keeping friends heavy in our hearts because they never invited us to their weddings/parties, or someone talking bad about us behind our backs, I mean really!?! Are we that bored! God wants to bless us but where can He put His blessings in those pre-occupied heart?

On the other hand, just personally you will not grow if you don’t forgive. Release this one individual that is blocking your sight to your future. It is a chapter of your life that you had to go through, release it and move on. The father of your child may have left you for a younger woman, and you wonder why you have not found a good man for yourself yet. Release him so you can be free to receive a new man that will be good to you. I can imagine this situation can never be nice; it is not the ideal life situation for any woman but your heart needs peace. Forgive even if you don’t love him anymore, you don’t need to be back together with him to forgive him.

The process of forgiveness can be very confusing. You may have decided to forgive a long time ago, but sometimes you still feel angry and bitter and you ask yourself why you still have these feelings if you truly did forgive. Hold on tight to your decision to forgive, it is a process. You will know that the process is over when you have a feeling of freedom in your heart. When thoughts about your perpetrator don’t anger you no more; when thoughts about your relationship ordeal don’t hurt no more; when meeting the one who wronged you don’t matter no more; when a topic similar to your awful experience don’t make you cry no more.

Bad life experiences help us grow; one bad experience gives us strength to face another.

Until next time – Forgive, your soul needs peace.

Tamara Booi