“Go to school and get a good job!”

Those were the words that most black kids would hear from their determined parents. This did not matter how illiterate the parents were, the common goal within the black culture was to send children to school so that they can get good jobs. This worked significantly well as black people hold a large portion of qualified South Africans to date.

In my opinion this approach created a narrow airfield for the black and left the group with a huge challenge; a challenge of lack of responsibility and fear of ownership. With the young democracy of our country; things are gradually moving towards equality amongst all races. However; many qualified blacks are still found in ‘good’ jobs as ‘good’ employees. Some of those who make it to start their own businesses; for obvious reasons – they fall-short. This shall continue for as long as we can wake up & identify the core problem.

White kids are taught the importance of ownership from a very young age; and therefore they grow up mindful of the fact that in whatever they do in the end it should be their own. Yes, our parents had no basis to instil ownership on us back then but now we have the opportunity to grow our kids in this fashion. Our past circumstances required us to go work and get a salary. Somehow we got so comfortable in this to a point where we allowed ourselves to be ruled by fear. A black person would fear the simplest of responsibilities - A lady I used to work with had to lock-up the office the other day, the boss had to leave early on the day & she was asked to lock-up & open the office the next morning. “Yho” was the first word out of her mouth; “why doesn’t he give the keys to Susan” she asked. The thought that the entire office was dependant on her to open-up the office was a huge responsibility to her and fear took over.

Another factor that goes hand-in-hand with responsibility and ownership is our consciousness on money. The fact that we were poor has affected how we value ourselves. It might be challenging to completely change things around for the current generation but we need to familiarize our kids with cash; so that they understand that a mere 10 000 rand can never sustain a family of four! A Cape Town business man said to me the other day; white kids accompany their fathers to business meetings. When they get to hold their own business meetings, they clearly understand the tactics & language used at the boardroom just by sitting there & listening. Your father, for obvious reasons could not do that; but you can.

In my understanding; an interview is a meeting where both parties get the opportunity to meet each other in person and discuss how they can help each other out. Usually; the employer will explain to the candidate the type of employee he’s looking for, the duties, requirements & how much he’s willing to spend on the position. A black child immediately thinks and states all facts equivalent to the job spec. The mind-set is obviously on getting the ‘good’ job. On the other hand; a white kid gets interviewed for the same job & he says – “I like the job but the salary is too little; you see I will need to pay my car, apartment, be able to take my girlfriend out at least once a week & also save”. Taking care of your family might be an unfair thing for you as a child but it is one of your responsibilities! Tell the employer during the interview that you have to send money home to your family every month – don’t be ashamed of that. If you feel like this is rather too late for you to do; make sure that your kids are not affected with your inability to value yourself.

Sense of ownership does not depend entirely on our history; a huge factor comes from the way you were raised and your family environment where ownership is concerned. Instilling ownership & responsibility on your children does not end with owning your own business only. It goes further to having responsibility for your own belongings; ownership for your own life and your own destiny.

How about we revise the title of this article and say: “Go to school and enhance your competence”


Tamara Booi

"I blame it all on the Daddies"

Parenting is one of the underrated difficult professions; we all have our unique opinions on it- the how’s & when’s but one can never be sure of the final product.

As a follower of the TV program on SABC 1 – Khumbulekhaya; I realized that there are a lot of unstable souls out there & mainly resulted from unstable homes or unstable parents. Relationships are hard and people nowadays are moving so quickly away from sacrificing their own happiness for the stability of their own homes & psychological health of their children. I am also a firm believer of mutual happiness in relationships or marriage but I get confused when I think of a situation whereby my happiness could, for some reason require me to be without the father of my child. Can parents really win? Or do we just take decisions and hope for the best?

Although this is a collective responsibility for both parents; it is evident that the most blamed parent for a failed relationship/marriage is the father. Most kids continue to blame their fathers for leaving them until the ages where they are grown up & understands; and some just never understands! Is it a natural instinct- as mothers were the carriers, or does the major responsibility really lies with the fathers? Things were even worse back in the days as daddies would simple forget that they even fathered a child somewhere. I salute the men of our century as they strive to keep relations with their children even when they failed keeping their commitments with their mothers.

A few weeks back I found myself in yet another discussion about this topic. I discovered that this issue is so contagious - more than I thought! One way or the other, it affects at least one area of a child’s life. A number of us are affected negatively with this scenario; we turned out to be the worst copy of the actual situation – low self esteem, men/woman haters, relationships/marriage haters, drug users, women/man abusers & non-believers of life in general. A smaller section of us is however affected positively – marriage builders, self coaches, writers, men in relations with their children, woman who are soldiers of happiness in marriage etc. Amongst both sections; I have realised that there is a huge number that is affected unconsciously! In my opinion; the latter group is the one in danger because (1) they don’t even know they’ve got a challenge (2) society deals with ‘seen’ problems i.e. a doctor will heal a sick person... (3) Even when they notice challenges in their lives, they have no substantial evidence of the core. One lady amongst the group that I was with said – I don’t care what you guys say, “I blame it all on the Daddies!” Another observation was; those who are affected positively strangely enough still suffer a lot from internal emotions.

Do you think that ALL children from broken families or single parenting; with or without evident challenges should undergo counseling? I really would like us to stop blaming either of the parents as this is not a clear-cut textbook analogy and try a compulsory solution – a solution that all men-kind can benefit from – rich or poor! Maybe; a request to government to offer a free access to psychologists; only to children who come from the above groups & cannot afford the excessive fee asked by psychologists.

Are you a product of divorce? single parenting? or just don't even know one your parents? How has this affected your life?



Tamara Booi

"I think I'm in-love"

Are you?

Ladies; this is a common phrase used by most women at the beginning of their relationships and some feel like this for the entire duration of an affair/marriage. I'm sure we all have experienced being in-love and yes, me too have uttered the words - "I think I'm in-love" at least until I understood the actual meaning of being in-love.

It used to puzzle me why this phrase have a phase; why can one feel like this always? As I continue to mature, I noticed that this phrase is rather absent in adulthood which made me to make it my project to understand why. Through my research; I got a huge response about 'love fades away' and that 'an old relationship has more to offer than just love, one should not base everything on love' which made me even more worried as I so much love 'love'

I then discovered that; being in-love actually is a poor way of heading your relationship! Oh yes! Feelings of being 'in-love' are associated with being hooked; infatuated; being obsessed; even possessed; they are associated with being love-stuck. I don't think any man would enjoy being involved with the kind of woman above. Every individual requires a level of mental freedom and a woman in-love in my opinion, have less ability to provide that. I then concluded that the proper way of heading your relationship is to love your partner! Loving is associated with adorable feelings; caring; finding your partner irresistible; respect and passion for your partner.

Now would you rather love your partner or be in-love with him?

Until next time,

Keep loving!




Tamara Booi

On Sharing

Often we are too reluctant to realize the importance of sharing in our growth processes. Those who know me well would tell how much of a believer I am in sharing. Sharing has played a huge role in just about all areas of my life. Personally, it gives me power as often I turn to gather a lot of knowledge, expertize, contacts, wisdom, mentors, answers & great friendships.

Ironically; women are perceived as the most 'sharing' gender... as it were, but our 'sharing' is evidently still far away from building each other or even building something together. One would argue about giving away your ideas or posting your affairs to the world. Sharing knowledge & wisdom should not be seen as giving people something to get something out - it should be seen as genuine people interested in helping one another in developing new capacities for action, it is about creating learning processes.

Like our fingers - we are different and were blessed with different talents, raised in different ways and had different opportunities in life. Some are ordinary & some are extraordinary. What is interesting for me though is, within every ordinary person you can find some extraordinary things. If you stay ordinary, comfortably without sharing what is wonderful or appalling about your world - you will never learn what the extraordinary world is doing.

You might have a great idea on how you can start your own business & you may not believe how it does not take off as every part of your body is telling you how wonderful it is. You might just need to share it with someone - you will be surprised how that could turn out - you might just meet someone who is clueless about ideas but knows how to make money & you become a great pair! The most often times women share their ideas is when they need funding - which is mostly sharing with people who will give them money to run a project & nothing on how they will sustain the project to generate their own money. Tell me if I'm wrong, there are people we just cannot speak to about things - because they are 'ordinary' forgetting that there might be something 'extraordinary' in them. I would personally rather take that person with to the bank to ask for funding, for I would have sourced my basis of business muscle. I would furthermore be fulfilled as an individual as I would have brought about change - exposed the ordinary to extraordinary world.

In relationships, women suffer from stress related illnesses which can result in poor performance at the work place, unkindness to people, unpleasantness & arrogance. Your sole knows nothing else except the mediocrity boiling inside you. Your lack of wisdom is holding you back from talking because you think you the only one suffering from a particular challenge. Sharing will not solve your problem, but it will sure give you power and ability to deal with them or perhaps give you answers to some of the questions you might have.

Have you ever been new in a company full of petty individual who make it a project to lock you away from knowledge! People who are happy with what they know, not intelligent enough to open up to what they could learn from you. If you are one of those - consider change! By giving others knowledge you are setting yourself up for new & greater capabilities; you will not see any if you are caught up with what you already know.

Keep sharing!


Tamara Booi