FRIENDSHIPs

Growing up at my Granny’s house, friendships were never encouraged at home period. One or two friends were tolerated, but a group of friends was just not acceptable. We never got to understand why having friends can be such a problem. I grew up with a lot of cousins – boys and girls. My Granny used to say we are too many, we don’t need friends. As I recall, my Mom had only one friend. Seeing an adult having friends was just taboo for me (Umntu omdala oneTshomi haybo!). When I left my Granny’s house for High School, it was crazy. I was in a group of hyper-active teenage friends and this made me nervous. I befriended all but I allowed only one into my space. At this stage I was staying with my Aunt who was a Teacher. This Teacher of an Aunt was also raised by my Granny, so she had the same ‘idea’ about friends. If you are bored, you were expected to go to your room and read a book. If you get tired of reading a book, you must go to my Aunt and tell her all about the book or write down what you think the book says. When I got to Varsity, with my limited social skills I managed to make four friends and that was great!


So I entered adulthood with four friends and in my world, this was normal. Infact sometimes they also felt like they too many. Things changed when I met my husband. The guy had friends to fill a Golden Arrow bus! Infact, generally my new family had a different idea about friendships. This was an important part of their lives. We would visit my Mom-in-law and she’d be asking where some of my husband’s high school friends were, and encourage reunions or offer visits to her famous Sunday lunch feasts. I would sit there and hold my chair tight in shock, this was unheard of! A mere family braai for us would just turn into a huge party. My husband’s friends would come like they off a Metrorail train. I knew right there and then that I had to do something about my issues with lots of friends. I started teaching myself about friends, type of friends and friendships in a nutshell.

I gathered that friendships are important in your life. Like how I was raised, one just needs to be careful of who is in one’s life and how to manage your space around them. I learnt that you can have as many friends as life allows or what people call acquaintances, but you need to have a minimum of close friends. I also gathered that there are different types of close friends, some you need and some you just don’t need in your life. Therefore, I would like to discuss my findings about friends.

Friends you need:

1. The Pal
This friend is generally your age group. You just seem to click and see life pretty much the same. There’s seldom exchange of heavy life conversations with this friend. You need her to just relax your mind and have fun. This is often a sport buddy, drinking buddy or partying buddy.


2. The Childhood friend
This is someone you grew up with. You know her when she would wipe her noise with her fist. Most of the time; you know and are close to each other’s families. You share great simple memories. This friend keeps you grounded.

3. The Mature friend
This doesn’t necessarily mean this friend is older than you. She may be young but she is more mature than you. It may be what she’s already experienced in life or she is just mentally ahead of you biological. You need this friend for direction and wisdom.


4. The Cheerleader

This friend loves everything about you. You are almost her role model. She is not jealous about your achievements. She is the first to tell the world what you just achieved. When you achieve, it almost feels like she has achieved too. She is your fan. Most of the time, this friend is not really interested to follow your career path. You don’t threaten her; you are just a simple inspiration. You need this friend for motivation. Especially when the going gets tough; in her world, there’s nothing you can’t do.


5. The Best friend
This is your companion, your confidant. You trust this friend with sensitive information. She knows your flaws and is not judgemental. You fight but you never blackmail each other. She understands you. She is clear of the fact that you are not perfect. She gives you advice when you need one. You need this friend to maintain a level of sanity.


6. The Opinionated/Vocal friend
This friend does not mince her words. She tells you straight when you are in the wrong or when you are lost. She does not buy faces. This is a friend that would say “No I know Tamara, she’ll never say that about someone, maybe you misunderstood her”. This friend doesn’t have time to badmouth others, she just tells the truth. You may not like her much because she is no “Miss Popular” but you need her. This is a friend that will encourage you to listen to your gut feel or exercise your conscious.


7. The Optimistic Friend
Nothing is ever impossible with this one - if you can think it, you can do it. She is forever thinking and talking about ways to better her life. This friend doesn’t have time for mediocre minds. She is very inspired, sometimes a little too much. You need this friend for inspiration, strength and moving life. There is no dull moment with an optimistic friend.


Now, the above discussion does not necessarily mean you have to have six close friends. One close friend can have two of the above qualities. Let’s have a look at what you don’t need in your life.


Friends you DONT need:

1. Emotional drainer/Pessimistic Friend
When you leave this friend, you always feel something heavy on your shoulders. This is generally someone who is negative. She blames everything and everyone for her loses or things that are not going well in her life. She is forever despondent, very little motivates her. She is quick to point out the wrongs more than she can realize what is going right in her life. You don’t need this friend; she’ll forever pull you down.


2. The overly Jealous Friend
We know that everyone is born with jealous, but an overly jealous friend is bad for you. This friend takes competing with you very seriously. She can do almost ANYTHING to be above you. She is never truly happy with your achievements. She pretends a lot and often mistaken for a best friend. Most of the time, this kind of friend is in your life to get something out. She is all about proving you not that good after all. She is very dangerous because she pretends a lot and often spotted when she has already damaged the friendship. This is a type of friend that wants exactly what the friends have. At times, this is a friend that can marry your husband or go out with your boyfriend. A true Best friend will never marry your husband, but an overly jealous friend pretending to be your best friend will. This friend is just a disaster waiting to happen, if you spot her run!


3. The Possessive Friend
This friend has a psychological problem. Sometimes we are not in friendship to rescue friends from their troubled personal lives. A very few people have time to understand the behaviours of others. Generally, we are just an intolerant people. The possessed friend just wants you to herself. She doesn’t want you to befriend others and takes this as a very serious offense. She will do ANYTHING to “protect” you including fighting your own battles. She doesn’t know when to draw the line and always in trouble for wanting to be on your side. This type of friend is one who will forever hate your partner for mistreating you, even when the both of you have kissed and made up. You don’t need this friend; she will complicate your life.


4. The Journalist
This one shame can’t help her self. Her day is almost not fulfilled if she doesn’t talk about your issues to others. She is a messenger of people’s problems. If you confined in her, rest assured that the rest of your circle of friends will know by tomorrow. She finds joy and fulfilment in talking about others. As a result; if you think about it, you don’t know anything going on in her life because she doesn’t have time to engage about her self. She is fun to be around with but hey, don’t be fooled. You know, there are people who will make reference about others to make you realize you not alone in a particular challenge. However, this one has random stories to tell. She does no referencing, she is just a reporter. This is a poison, a manipulator - run.

5. The Sponge
This friend has got no time for your needs, its all about what she needs. This friend is more like a Cheerleader but her intensions have bad motives. She does not stick around with people she will not benefit from. The Sponge is the type of friend that will borrow money and never pay it back, borrow your clothes and never return them. She is always under the impression that you are in a good space and she is in need. This friend does not stop to think that actually, others also need help. She is always weak and requires others to be strong for her. This friend will suck you dry, you don’t need her.

Socially, it is psychologically proven that one needs friends. However; you need to safe-guard your life with good friends.

Until next time; stay friendly.

Tamara Booi